Anger and Frustration

I'm so pleased that enough of my friends and family genuinely care enough to have responded to yesterday's dilemma, which - coincidentally - is still well and truly alive and kicking.

I'm not pacified any more than I was yesterday, sadly. Alex's attitude stinks bigtime and I find myself not wanting to co-operate or help her. How unmotherly is this? She manages to offend me and push my buttons more and more frequently to the stage where I just want to walk away and let her learn from the School of Hard Knocks. I want to help.......but i only want to help if she also helps herself.

Why does it feel like this is all so very hard ?

So........I'm in that place where I'm debating internally. "Let her learn by making her own mistakes".......or..........."You're her mother - you have to guide her". Thing is, she doesn't want guidance because she thinks she knows everything. In fact, she's sure she knows it all. THAT whole attitude, in itself, shows me how naive and immature she really is. Her choices, so far, have not really worked in her benefit.

What is it with this generation? They want freedom and independence and autonomy so long as someone else provides and pays for it? Just basic intelligence will tell you that if someone is paying your way, you are NOT independent, fool.......

I'm finding that being the mother to my 18 year old is not particularly satisfying or enjoyable at this moment.

I'm finding that my investment - emotionally and financially - is not paying good dividends. The financial planner in me then asks "So what do you do.........withdraw your investment and cut your losses or do you hang in there, hoping for an upswing which could possibly recoup your losses?" All I hear is the wind whistling through the rustling tumbleweed........no answer.

Part of me wonders if other parents are also cutting their respective losses with their "investments" or are their investments paying off and is it just me who's experiencing this? Is THIS what parents are supposed to do? I left home at 18 yrs and have lived an independent life so I don't have a benchmark to recall and compare.

I am angry and frustrated yet I can't pinpoint what it is that's bothering me the most........

Is it that Alex's priorities are foolishly organised and she is putting her future in detriment? All for the sake of having her car on the road. For crying out loud, she doesn't even have a job to pay for her petrol and I certainly won't be supplying that!

Or is it because of her refusal to help herself in preference to having a good time? Rather than look for another job, she's galavanting around the place - or so it appears from my vantage point - I could be wrong.

I'm just annoyed at her lack of motivation and dynamicism (is that a word????). I'm annoyed that Carl has bought her a car so that's another "gimme" that she hasn't had to work for and now she would like me to pay for her TAFE fees ...........and I won't.

I'm pissed off that she has put our family in this position where the atmosphere at home is so tense and uncomfortable. Harsh words are exchanged on a daily/hourly basis and there seems to be a stranglehold with life, in general. We walk on eggshells until we can't anymore.......we try to skim the surface with the idea of introducing options but that gets batted away angrily.

I hate this! I hate this! I hate hate hate hate this! I hate this whole situation and I'm angry because I feel like it's been unfairly thrust upon me..........I'm done with confrontation and arguments and the dischord. I've done battle for so many years and I'm tired and worn out and fed up.

I......................I.....................I...................it's all about I...............

I wish that Alex was more cooperative and amenable and open-minded and calm and approachable.

I wish I was anywhere but here right now.