Fuzzy Wuzzy Has My Hair

It's not the burning, stifling heat that I mind so much as what it does to my hair. I have officially become Fuzzy Wuzzy....Scary Spice.... the entire Jackson Five family in it's heydey.....I am the guy from the Mentos ad......

The heat slowly fries my hair so that it ends up quite curly - uncontrolled curl....hairdryer-in-the-bath curl. It looks like I've had one too many facelifts and my pubic hair is now on top of my head.

Why......why does everyone else have hair that works for them? Hair, when organised to be in one spot, stays there without the aid of gel, mousse, wax, cement, concrete, spiderwebbing and hairspray? Why does my "up do' end up being a "WTF Fuzzy do?"

I hear you say GHD, right? I HAVE a GHD and, as wonderful as it is, the reality is that if time is of the essence, then the GHD doesn't help me. My hair never used to be this frizzy. In fact, I have photos of me as a young child with dead straight hair, then it became wavy - not frizzy fuzzy nut - just nice and wavy. Then, suddenly - after pregnancy, it's like there was a revolutionary uprising of all the downtrodden fuzzy hair - "ENOUGH!" and they suddenly converted, like a hairy cult religion, all my lovely wavy hair into Fuzzville.

It's like my 'normal' hair has been brainwashed into believing it is fuzzy curly. But that's not true......next thing you know, my hair is going to don on a saffron scarf and hand out leaflets to a vegetarian restaurant on Bourke Street, while simultaneously dancing to ching ching dung-chukka dung-chukka music like a freakin' Hare Krishna???!!!!

Who in the world wants fairy floss head? Nobody sees Bo-Derek-esque ads with women with hair like Sai Baba?

Regardless of my own self-concept, nobody seriously thinks hair like this is sexy, do they? I suspect Osama Bin Laden could hide in hair like this for years and not be found.

My point? This heatwave we're experiencing in Melbourne is turning my hair into something that I would seriously consider buzz-cutting. I have always wanted to do a Halle Berry (having already done a Grace Jones in my more avant garde years, where my fashion sense matched the bizarro haircut I adventurously got in a mad Chapel Street What the Hell mood).

If it were not for my rather presumptuous albeit slightly paranoid narcissitic suspicion that I would become highly desirable to ALL lesbians, I would do it! After all, hair grows back, right? But I just know....everytime I see my sister with her Halle Berry/Beckham (David, not Posh) like haircut, I just know that I'd be mistaken for someone who chooses to wear comfortable shoes. Not that there's anything wrong with that but what a vastly opposing perception of me that would be.....

I'd love to do a G.I. Jane....*sigh*....the freedom of hassle-free hair. Out of bed and, voila, I'm done....make-up aside. No more gel, mousse, cake-mix, plaster of Paris.......just me....and my buzznut. Of course, i don't have that gamin pixie like face that would suit a buzz cut (please refer to Lesbian Sex Symbol comment) and could not be guaranteed that Mena Suvari-esque sensuality - I'd end up like looking more like Rosie O'Donnell's shaved poodle, no doubt.

Ahhhhhhhhh, the freedoms of natural beauty and oh, to be free from the damnation of vanity.